Keep Your Nose Clean---A Grandfather's Advice

A Grandfather's Advice...

“Keep your nose clean”, said my Granddad Pittman in one of his rare philosophical conversations.

I remember the conversation, in his Ford truck that always smelled dusty like the white gravel road he drove to the ranch. People still tell me today that they could tell it was Vernon Pittman coming down the road because he drove so fast there was always a huge cloud of dust around his truck.

“You have intelligence and I’m proud of you, son, for that,” said Granddad—one of the few relatives who would say those words: I am proud of you.

“But, no matter how smart you are, son,” he continued, “you have got to keep your nose clean.”

He usually was lively and funny, and I loved him with all my heart.

I regret not showing more affection to him—he had a dairy, peanut farm, ranch—and when he was either coming to see us or we were at his house—he didn’t shave; it would take too much time away from being with us grandkids.

He did not want to miss one moment with the grandkids. When we drove up, he would have the horses saddled, the tractor in place, and his pick up out of the shed--all getting ready to give us a ride on/in something....

When he kissed me, I pushed him away since his stiff beard kind of cut into my freckled face. I hate myself for that now.

How I wish I could have a do over and show him the affection I felt for him—no matter the whisker scratches.

Think on that… how many people love you so much that any second away from you is avoided at all costs. Even the 3 minutes for shaving?

Keeping my nose clean?

I have my Granddad Pittman’s nose. It is a manly nose. I went to a plastic surgeon for a nose job about 15 years ago. He said it would look too feminine… friends have told me, it is a large, manly nose.

I’ve kind of grown into my nose and my ears and my hair color and all the things that as a 14-year old, I imagined made me a freak like Quasimodo.

And I do keep my nose clean. Physically and Figuratively.

When I look back at about five regrets in my life, each time was a mistake I made by ‘not keeping my nose clean’… by straying from what I knew was right and risking and jeopardizing my joy. By being influenced by other people's opinion of me and 'hanging out with the wrong crowd." The one that always, always 'made bad decisions'...

Always for the wrong reasons and always, each time, making my nose look dirty, so to speak.

At the time, I did not understand the depth of Granddad’s logic. But, now, I see what he was trying to protect me from… life mistakes… he wanted me to know what I would one day wish I had known… but I did know it and made the mistakes regardless…

I’ve not made many, thank God and Granddad.

And he was proud that I was smart. He wrote me a letter telling me so. He graduated from high school and I am looking across the room at his diploma from Clio Schools (kind of between Brownwood and Comanche is the exact center of Texas.)

Physically, I am obsessed with a clean nose. The nose hair trimmer is from Sharper Image and it is like putting a turbo weed whacker up my nostril.

A friend and I in college used to be getting ready to go out and would cut what we called ‘timbers’….nose hairs as big as trees… not many in number but, weirdly, a few that grow super-duper fast. We lived together and would get ready to go out together with the 1980's music blaring from the JVC stereo and CD's....

We shared this amazingly-great little pair of scissors (I would douse in rubbing alcohol between uses…) It was the best little pair of nose hair cutter ever… and I tried to sharpen them by cutting sand paper… and I ruined them!

TIMBER!!!

The nose hair crisis of 1998! I had taken them to 14 countries in Europe. My buddy got married and I bet he had a forest of nose hair trees in the wedding pictures. I have yet to find the same kind of glorious scissors. They will be on sale at the Pearly Gate Gift Shop in Heaven.

Now that I’m talking about weird hair growth… that is what we are discussing, right?

I have one hair in one ear.

It must grow a mile a minute. I am always embarrassed when the barber cuts my one ear hair… so I try to keep my ear clean.

One hair, thick as a cable cord, coming out of my ear. NO other hair— After all... I’m not a gorilla… but just one single, magnificent hair that must be cut daily.

Now this is where the truth is told and only the truth could be this crummy and odd!......

There is ONE hair that freakishly continues to grow in the middle of my forehead. Just a single hair follicle that cannot be stopped… you must give it credit for fortitude…

.

But if I forget to shave my forehead (which is so large, I call it my ‘fivehead’ or ‘sixhead’… said that too often, need a different punch line)… then the hair grows fast and long…

Once a bunch of us were getting ready to go out to the clubs and my forehead hair was about 7 inches long… so I went and showed it to a lifelong friend, and she was aghast (I word I type but never use in conversation)….

For years afterwards, I would catch Donna staring at my forehead just to see if the hair could be seen growing like in those fast motion plant documentaries.

I was in her wedding and I asked her brother to do a forehead hair check… think we plunked it out… and he laughed so hard they could hear us in the sanctuary. He told Donna, of all the wedding party, he enjoyed hanging out with me the most. Think he just wanted to pull my freakishly, growing forehead hair....

I have lotions and potions for my nose pores… I don’t want any pores.

You know, that whole ‘keep you nose clean’? If it is worth doing…it is worth OVER DOING.….

So…I use two, never just one ,Kleenex, and only use the kind of Kleenex with lotion AND Vick’s VaporRub in it…

Have you tried that kind of Kleenex?

The kind with Vick’s VaporRub AND Lotion? It is used in Heaven, too….You will never use another kind and I find myself using it for travel.

Most hotels have only one Kleenex left in the box anyway—stuff like that always happens to me. It is hard to keep one’s nose clean, when the hotels of the world conspire to torment me by only leaving boxes of ONE Kleenex in all the hotels on the six of seven continents of which I've visited. I have actually cleaned my nose and all SEVEN continents... unique bucket list....

So, keeping your nose clean is behaving; only doing the right things in life; helping others; never cheating or lying or hurting anyone… and always…. I mean ALWAYS, check for boogers!

Booger Check!

Everyone needs a booger check to make sure they are keeping their nose clean… physically and figuratively… love to all… especially Vernon Pittman… who knew I was book smart…and wanted me to be country smart, too.