Eyes Rolling Back in Head in Disgust? Oh, I Invented That....

·       I invented the eye roll in 1958, seriously I started that.

·       If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say "Sasquatch."

·       I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told you have a problem with the room full of the reasons why?

·       When I die I want the Dallas Cowboys and the Texas Rangers to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time. (Go Texans...!)

·       Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation

·       I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

·       How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak

·       When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

·       Most lipstick contains fish scales!

·       I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

·       Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

·       I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'